The Life & Crimes of Zio

This week I’ve been on annual leave and spent the first couple days with friends on the south Kent coast, I intended to go surfing but the waves weren’t quite right which sucked but hey I’ve got no control over the weather. However the sun was glorious and the cider was flowing. Awesome times considering.

However this week I have actually been devoid of purpose which in a way is a good thing. It has lead me back to self assessment. Now not in the tax sense but in the self realisation sense.

I sat in Starbucks in Bluewater on Wednesday for 2 hours (as well as Starbucks Canterbury on tuesday morning) and wrote a document about myself and my failings as a human being. In my eyes anyway. Writing things down always helps and it’s something my therapist would prefer I do often. It lead me to an interesting but already know conclusion. 

I naturally enjoy taking risks because I enjoy thinking differently.

I have always taken risks, in all walks of life, risks that have caused me pain physically and emotionally. But I always come back for more. Maybe its because I am a junkie and that is how I would describe myself. I am not risk averse like a large proportion of the population. I am an Aries for fucks sake. I am the King baby, ruler of the Zodiac. 

That is beside the point though. What I realised through this bout of self reflection was that I have gone soft, I have become lazy and a creature of habit. I actually also enjoy the thought of new habits. I have created a comfort zone, life’s safety blanket.

BAD, BAD, BAD!!!

Comfort Zone, WTF is that!?!?! It’s bullshit is what it is!!!

I need to go back to my old ways (in some ways that is, not in others!) and go back to enjoying taking risks and living on the wilder side of life. 

So I’ve changed my priorities and in such the slogans I live life by.

I need to go back to Thinking Different.

That is now my mission and you’ll soon see it cropping up in my bio’s across my social sphere. Onwards bound to renewed faith in oneself.

Today I wake up with the same feelings. As I returned home last night I had Professor Greens track ‘Forever Falling’ on repeat. Its actually one of my favourite songs on his album because it generally sums up how I feel. It did exactly that yesterday. I felt like I had been hit with a brick. What’s weird is I have never felt like I did yesterday for anyone else. All that time and though put into preparing for almost that very conversation was not enough. I still got hit by a truck. I’m still reeling from it today and I don’t know where to turn. At present I feel like part of me is missing. I have actually felt this way since we stopped speaking in February. And yet now I lose again that other part of me.

My mother said to me that now I will have to learn to become whole again I will have to fill that vacant hole in my heart by fulfilling and filling it myself she also said and believes that maybe the right person will come along soon enough.

Personally I don’t know what I believe right now, but I do know this: Waking up today with these same emotions I know what must be done for me to feel whole again. There is always a deciding point in ones life where you have to stand up and walk tall. I know that I would never stand in anyone’s way in their quest to achieve their hopes and dreams or to achieve personal goals. If they don’t include me then that is fine I will make my way down a separate path, however there has to be no doubt, no second guessing as this will be an undoing, it leads to regret in one way or another.

It is said that Aries signs are always fighting an internal battle of some kind, through self reflection I actually find this to be true. But unlike before I know now which side must prevail and where I need to go. I hurts so much to think about it but for my sanity, I must bid you farewell. I hope we both obtain happiness through our journeys.

Despite all my hard work it was all undone by a face and a kiss.

I find myself falling again. Falling not into the unknown but back into an pit of darkness, one which will take all my strength to return from.

I feel hollow, as if part of me is missing. However this needs to happen, it needs to be done. I will never stand in anyone’s way as I know what it feels like to have someone stand in mine.

I don’t want anyone to feel regret because of me. This is why this has to happen.

In the movies it takes a phone call, a quick dash or last minute taxi ride to change things and change fate forever.

No such things in real life and it sucks, it hurts and it burns.

LOL

Some days I feel lighter than a feather, I feel supremely awesome.

Those days are the many currently. Today I’ve felt less sure about things and these days have become the few.

Interesting shift.

It’s only a week till she returns and I’m not sure what to make of anything. I’ve spoken to her a bit this week, a few times she seemed to want to have a conversation. I have kept my responses brief and to the point. I do not wish to converse until we meet face to face. I know what I want and I wish to hear what she does too. Mistakes have been made on both sides and that will be the test, the decider.

Win or lose. I was born a champion.

I realised this evening plucked from thin air really that the emotion I felt last night was not anger, it was fear.

I’ve always felt a fear of rejection and it’s why I have a devil may care attitude in some respects. It prays on the introvert/extrovert confusion I have in my life. This is partly why I have at times an ‘I don’t care’ attitude as it stems from a ‘you don’t want me, your annoyed at me’ reaction to those situations. I hide behind my fear and let it control my life.

I felt fear yesterday at her impending return, which is earlier than I first thought but also because we will have a conversation that will determine a lot in life. Whether we can be friends, lovers or even be in one another’s lives at all. I’m scared by the outcome, in particular a negative outcome and this masks itself as anger and negativity. I feel like that would rip me open.

This realisation has pushed me further into the realm of self and really has helped me to understand my feelings more. I am ever closer to true understanding.

I feel it’s close enough to touch.

drawsomethingbadly:

I’m Bat… What happened to the symbol?

Hilarious!!!

(via jonmtm)

I like the easy life, no drama, no fuss. I realised I am over dramatising things at the moment. Just need to take a slight step back and chill!

Also note to self, don’t skip breakfast, makes you act crazy.

Today’s resolution is to quell the drama from life and just enjoy it as it should be.

I’m feeling pretty confused at present. I feel like a prisoner to my feelings. Despite having let go of optimism towards the reconcillation that I wish for, I don’t believe I have quite yet let go of all of my anger. I realise there is work to do and not speaking to someone doesn’t mean feelings will disappear.

However having received a few messages that were deliberately cryptic I’m sure I have started to feel confused. Now confused is better than angry but it’s still annoying. I felt recently that I was making better progress at dealing with my feelings towards my old relationship and was finally learning to just let go. Now I realise this is not strictly true and although I have a much better sense of self there is still another hurdle to leap.

I need to spend some time thinking about what I really want and how things will be if I make the decisions for and against. I can’t have anything both ways after all and once a decision, any decision is made, there is no going back. In reality is the reconcilliation I wish for actually right at all? I have started to question this recently and this has probably added to my confusion.

I’m on my own on this one. It’s time to take it to the max, there is still a long time to go till she returns. Plenty of time to think. I have got to be honest with myself first before I can be honest with her. But I also need to hear what she thinks so I can make a final decision. After all it’s down to what she wants too.

Things could all about to change.

In reality I think we’ve hit a turning point and not in a good sense.

We were at a fork in our lives, that much was clear when I last saw you. I can see now we want different things from life and have different plans in mind and want to go different ways. We don’t fit into one another’s future plans. There is no room for manoeuvring. I know you pretty well and that once you’ve made a decision you usually stick with it. I can see that I don’t fit into your plans and inadvertently I don’t fit into your life.

It’s strange to see but hey one more thing to add to the list of realisations. I hope that I’m wrong but as with the thoughts of us working out and getting back together I know not to get my hopes up.